The last couple of months, I have had periods where my voice have been disappearing in periods. To be honest is not a big surprise for me, I was warned by my doctors that it could disappear again. And I have in my way prepared for it ( by talking double:)) And given myself an online voice, so if the day comes, I can still share my thoughts.
I took this picture Friday - because I think after all, my body have healed very well - and because if it truly are my faith to have treatments and surgeries the rest off my life. I wanna preserve the good days, where I feel GOOD, to remind myself on the bad days, that it´s possible to be good, confident and look good despise scars, hormones and the pain.
After my second neck surgery, one of my vocal cord died, making it hard for me to talk, because the air basically just move unhindered in my throat. When I had my radiotherapy, my neck start swelling up, and made it harder for me to breath (and gave me a to of side effects, which I´m still dealing with). But ironically enough due to the swelling, I got my voice back, husky and a bit darker, but back and I were so happy (I guess beggars can´t be choosers) and now when the swelling has start fallen down, my voice start disappearing again.
Second neck surgery, they removed 25 lymph nodes (9 with cancer) and unfortunately damaged one of my vocal cords for good.
(For the curious ones, try to Google "vocal cords" - Yeah I know it do look pretty disgusting, and then if you really wanna see how they works, check it out on Youtube, next time yelling at you, just keep that image in your mind :))
Right now my voice is very weak, I can talk but it is super painfully, and I try to rest it and hope is not permanent yet. There is a surgery they maybe can help, where they can put an implant into the dead vocal cord. But I had hoped I could wait a bit so my body can rest as much as possible.
I know a lot of people who says, loosing your voice is not big deal. They are wrong, more or less our whole society is based on talking and communicating. From booking an appointment, to talk with the bank, telling my kids school I´m running late, etc. To social events, it´s almost impossible without having your voice to help.
I consider myself a very talkative person (As my Danish mum said when I came to Denmark, I keep quite for a whole day, and then in the evening I start talking, and I never shut up since:)) that also mean, people are used to me talking, and even people close to me, have somehow got used to I´m the "entertainer" - And that made it harder for me, because I tried to force myself to talk even when I have no voice, or if it´s painful.
Some people get really uncomfortable when I talk about these things or use the C-words - maybe because they don´t know what to say, or as I found out, people don´t like to be reminded of bad things. To those I will say: Its´ok - I don´t think you are a bad person because you don´t stop or ask me how I am, just because I have decided to be so open, I do understand not all feel the way I do.
I´m going to rest my voice and hope it will be better the next couple of days. But if NOT I will urge my friends to still meet up with me, and now is your turn to talk :)
... Don´t pity me, we all have our shit to bare (or something), and my posts are hopefully a reminder that we all have to be a bit more tolerant (understanding) for each other, because we never know, what the people we meet are going through.