I have been struggling a lot mentally lately. I´m not sad or depressed, and I know I´m lucky, I have everything in life, when I look at my children play, I know I´m lucky, when my husband goes up early to hit the gym and leaves me a freshly made smoothie for me every morning, I know I´m lucky. When my parents are travelling and sending photos and my Korean mum is writing just to write, I know I´m lucky. When my siblings are posting photos from their exciting life, or I double book because I have so many wonderful people I wanna see, I know I´m lucky..
I´m emotional overwhelmed, I feel I have been running for a very long time, and have had all these issues, and they become a big part of my identity. I had a a lot of anger and resentment towards my Korean mum, using it to screw up my own life, now I have met her, and have only understanding and love for her. So now I have nowhere to put all these negative emotions..
But i´t dosen´t change the fact, that I for 36 years feel rejected, not because anyone did anything, but because of myself. And now I stand in a moment in my life, where I have it all, I have no more excuses, having everything I ever wanted, and I don´t know how to handle it.
I guess when one are struggling, the body and mind goes in to a survival mood, and then after when one suddenly have the time to deal with it, it become so real and overwhelming.
I don´t wanna be ungrateful - I just wanted to share why I have been writing a bit less.
I came a long way from the orphanage, but sometime I still do feel lost and very alone.
Next week I will go to my parents house for almost a month, and hopefully I will be able to clear my mind a bit more and find my mojo:)